Paul's Passing Thoughts

Simple Theological Math: Protestantism’s Age-Old Gospel of Death and Misery

Posted in Uncategorized by Paul M. Dohse Sr. on December 27, 2016

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  1. John said, on December 27, 2016 at 12:45 PM

    Good heavens! What a confusing, diabolical mess! No wonder Calvinists are simultaneously beyond confused AND arrogant.

    Upon becoming aware (accepting Calvin as lord and savior and vowing to follow his apostles, those alive or dead) that they are “elect”, each Calvinist then receives an Elects-R-Us party pack, which contains:

    1) A 3,500-page book that describes double imputation;

    2) A 27,000-page tome that describes justification and sanctification; its differences, similarities; its pretentiousness. Seventy-seven chapters are dedicated to explaining that every person, elect or not, will one day stand before the same throne of chance/good luck/gamble;

    3) A 15,000-page book (with illustrations and YouTube links) explaining how to twist and rape the Bible in such a way while still trying to come across as sounding somewhat intelligent and convincing;

    4) A signed John Mac ESV Study Bible;

    5) A booklet called, “Keep People from Heaven. Never discuss the real Gospel (because we don’t know it)”;

    6) An arrogance inhaler (similar to one asthmatics use). Dosage? Inhale three times daily, every day;

    7) Instructions on how to make the word “we” sound as though a collective noun that automatically renders the statement following it true whether the reader agrees with the nonsensical statement or not. Example: “Remember, we are all sinners and worms and we don’t know whether we’ll get to heaven or not. Faith alone is good enough bur then we are not sure.”;

    8) A bumper sticker that proclaims, “People who claim to have been born-again are mocking the sawvrin’ gawd”;

    9) A warning never to be alone with a baby, as these monsters can actually kill you (if only you did not have to feed ’em and stop them from rolling off beds and stuff or prevent them from choking on little pieces of soft food). They are evil. Don’t. Forget. That. We. Are. All. EVIL.

    10) A guide on how to dress like a hipster; how to drink coffee the Calvinist way; how to be a snob; how to appear like a movie “star” and yet have that pity-me-please-but-I-can-help-you look about you;

    11) A list of vulgar words that will sound cool in your newly elected circle of friends. The s-word, the f-word, the c-word, the mf-word, the p-word; also, a list of permissible, vulgar, unnatural sexual acts, as approved by your personal, trusted, and “certified” ACBC counselor. Remember that this “certified” sage is a direct apostle of Calvin and must be bowed down to at all times);

    12) How to successfully cover up/condone (or even promote) any form of abuse (be it in the home or in the temple of doom);

    13) A booklet on how to preach the “gospel” to yourself every day in such a way that people will not think you are psychotic or that you are suffering from intentional memory loss;

    14) Anoter bumper sticker that reminds you that Jesus died for only you and the other 67 pre-elected elitists. And a fridge magnet that reminds you that the rest of humanity are simply dead extras in a poor play, and one day these extras (those idiots who believe in the New Birth and those who don’t belong to Calvin) will occupy hell, as that will pleasure God; all extras are evil and deserving of hell…except the 67 elitists, of course.

    15) Paul Washer DVDs to work you up into a lordship salvation frenzy and spit attacks (and because nobody really watches that rubbish, but it makes the party pack bigger).

    Paul, I think you said it best (this is a paraphrase and should not be taken lightly): “When it gets right down to the nitty gritty there is NO difference between John MacArthur Jr. and the Prince of Darkness.”


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