Paul's Passing Thoughts

The whole question of how to have a happy marriage has been jettisoned to the front of my consciousness lately. That is why the new book “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has drawn my attention and for two reasons: It immediately brings to mind Ephesians 5:33,

“Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must {see to it} that she respects her husband.”

…and it also looks to speak to both sides of the issue from both husband and wife. More on that later.

I was skepticle. As I purchased the book at the nearest christian book store, I was disappointed that I did not have to order it because as you know, christian book stores usually stock what moves now days, namely, pop-psychology and biblical theories born of the imaginations of men and women who drink too much coffee. However, I am concerned with where I see marriage counseling going in  circles that are considered biblical focused by many.

I have finished the first two chapters and though I can tell, I will not agree with everything, the book starts out by delivering on two vital truths that have been lost in today’s biblical counseling,  even in reformed circles. First, though the Bible has a myriad of marriage elements to be followed, it also gives very simple, but powerful themes to keep us on track. Dr. Eggerichs has chosen Ephesians 5:33. Without a doubt, many wheels can be added to this primary biblical concept, but this is a theme that can be employed by counselors and married couples to stay on track. This is very very very powerful. Name one marital dispute where love or respect does not come into play. Let me paint you a picture with this scenario of words properly fitted for the occasion:

Now honey, remember, we both agreed that love and respect would be the thrust of our marriage and that we would continually remind each other of this and both work to get better at it. That’s not where this conversation is going, we need to back-up and re-evaluate.

Most marriage counseling is information overload. Look, I have been a  security technician for thirty years. I have a gazillion training certificates. Trust me, I could not go back and pass any of those end-of-course examinations. How would any couple take all of that information and consign it to a concise plan of action?, especially when you consider the distractions and busyness of our culture. It is the proverbial forest lost in all the trees. Dr. E himself mentions that at a time in church history when more books than ever have been written on marriage, the divorce rate among professing Christians is fifty percent. As I suspected from the title, Dr. Eggerichs gives marriage couples a narrow focus as a premise to build on. This alone makes the book worth it’s weight in gold.

Secondly, Dr. E  hits it out of the park with this statement:

“Many books on marriage stress the need for husbands to love wives, but the unique feature about this book is the concept of wives showing unconditional respect toward husbands” [page 19].

Dr. E pre-qualifies the above statement with this simple but profound observation of Ephesians 5:33:

Christian spouses should not read  this verse to say, ” Husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and  wives, respect your husbands only if  they have earned and deserve it.” As the old saying goes, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. in this verse, respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife [page18].

Let me not mince words here. There is much counseling today that goes something like this: “Get the husband straightened out first because he is the leader of the home and the rest will fall in place naturally.” “The wife will love the husband if he is God’s kind of husband.” “It’s always the husbands fault when there is no love in the home, he has not led by example.” Proponents of this approach actually quote 1 John 4:19 for their proof text:

“We love because he first loved us”

So, they reason, if husbands love their wives the way they should, wives will love them in the same way we love God because he loved us first. Beware of any theology that makes no distinction between vertical and horizontal realities. Such an approach disregards the plain sense of scripture and looks at scripture through a distorted prism.  This approach has, and will continue to destroy many marriages by fostering an attitude that respect on the part of the wife is earned by the husband. Well, who is the judge of when he has done that sufficiently? Besides, Ephesians 5:33 would then lend the same to the husband in not loving the wife until he thought she respected him enough, as Dr. E aptly points out. Obviously, that scenario is going nowhere.

However, there is a third emphasis in the first two chapters by Dr. E that the title of the book did not hint at, but is of profound import. In working on and through Ephesians 5:33, both husband and wife must assume that regardless of any lack of love and respect, ultimate good will is always intended by the other. Hey, doesn’t 1Corintians 13:7 say love believes and hopes all things? I will discuss this further in my next play by play reports of this book as well as some disagreements. However, based on the first two chapters alone, I would almost consider it must reading for the reasons above alone.

paul