“Gospel Driven Divorce”: Is Your Marriage in Imminent Danger?
Rush Limbaugh often says he knows liberals like every inch of his glorious naked body. I must confess, even with all of the study I have done on the *gospel driven life*, or *gospel driven sanctification*, I think I still know my body much better. New revelations concerning GDS are often so bizarre that it takes time to finally come to grips with the fact that its proponents actually advocate various elements. First, for those who are not familiar with GDS, here is a thumbnail of what it teaches:
The same gospel that saved us must be meditated upon every day in order to grow spiritually. The whole Bible is about the gospel and nothing else. According to John Piper: “That’s why the Bible is so big; there’s a gospel application to every event in life” (slight paraphrase-see video entitled “The Gospel in 6 Minutes” Sept. 12, 2007- Desiring God Ministries). Therefore, we meditate on the gospel through looking for it in the Scriptures, and as we meditate on the gospel as seen in the Scriptures, “we are changed from glory to glory,” or in other words: “Beholding as a way of becoming” (John Piper, “The Pleasures of God” pg 15 ). Also, according to John Piper, we should “never, never, never, never, never, never, never, think that the gospel saves us and then we move on to something else”(“The Gospel in 6 Minutes”). In fact, most proponents of GDS think that any “moving on to something else,” even if it falls under the category of discipleship, is a false gospel and you therefore forfeit both justification and sanctification. In other words, if you believe in synergistic sanctification- your lost.
So then, everything in the Bible must be seen in light of the gospel, and interpreted accordingly; marriage and divorce would not be an exception to this rule in any regard. In short, if you are a believing spouse, and your marriage doesn’t “look like the gospel” ( the relationship between Christ and his bride, the church) you are free to divorce your spouse. Buckle-up, here is an article that advocates this GDS view:
Gospel Love, Marriage & Divorce
“Recently, I have been studying the Scriptures and paying closer attention to how it is most of us as Christians have understood love, marriage and divorce. Surprisingly, although we say we believe that the most intimate of marriage relationships is to be modeled by Christ and his relationship to the Church, we do not, in our theology, really seem to believe or practice that.
We seem to have allowed our understanding and definition of marriage be something that is not a reflection of Christ and the Church. Marriage, we are told, is between a man and a woman. Agreed. That is a principle definition of marriage that definitely stems from God’s design of marriage back in the garden of Eden. However, that is only part of the formula for what constitutes a marriage. The most important ingredient that we as the Church have allowed our secular influences to omit is none other than God himself. Biblically, God is necessarily 1/3 of the relational equation in order for a marriage (or a church!) to be “joined together by God.” Likewise, apostate churches that do not properly include God, are not recognized by God. By definition, a true marriage or Church must include the one true God as a common denominator.
As the Church, we have then failed to see the legacies of Divine love, marriage and divorce throughout the Scriptures. And because we have embraced a marital world-view that can be devoid of God, we have found ourselves struggling with the whole subsequent understanding of how to understand divorce.
In Scripture, where divorce is sanctioned by God, the aim is always redemptive in some sense. It is always gospel driven.
Abraham divorced his 2nd wife, Hagar, because of gospel unbelief (Genesis 21:10-12; Galatians 4:29, 30).
Ezra, the prophet, counseled the entire nation of Israel to divorce their foreign/unbelieving wives…”according to the Law” (Ezra 9, 10).
God gave Israel a certificate of divorce for her antinomian apostasy: gospel rejection (Jeremiah 3; John 15; Romans 11).
The men who divorced their wives in Malachi were rebuked for doing so due to the fact that their wives remained faithful to God. These men divorced their “believing” wives only to marry non-believers. This, God hated.
Paul exhorts the believers in Corinth who are still in a mixed marriage to “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers…come out from among them and be separate” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18).
Again, Christ divorced the church of Laodicea for its gospel rejection, for embracing an antinomian apostasy as well (Revelation 3).
The common denominator that is found amongst every single divorce that was sanctioned by God was a HEART denominator, a GOD denominator that was identified as not being existent in the marriage.
So when we read the words of Jesus, “Except for fornication, a man must not divorce his wife,” we do not take his meaning of fornication (GK: pornea) as being literal. From the consistent revelation given elsewhere in Scripture, he was understandably speaking of a spiritual fornication: love for the world.
Once this God centered understanding of marriage and divorce is understood, we no longer have to struggle with the idea of “what kind of sins can qualify as “pornea”? We no longer have to tell married wives, “I know your husband beats you, occasionally, and perhaps he only beats your children. However, God never said it would be easy to be a follower of Jesus, so you need to understand that it is His will for you to remain married to your miserable and unbelieving husband (or apostate spouse).”
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus said to them, “no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life.” Luke 18:29, 30.”
Get the picture? The crux of the article is this excerpt: “In Scripture, where divorce is sanctioned by God, the aim is always redemptive in some sense. It is always gospel driven.” Basically, what it boils down to is this: in reformed circles where GDS is propagated, all bets are off; any marriage that doesn’t “look like the gospel” is possible fodder for divorce court. But who in the world would be the judge of that? No marriage is perfect; at what point would one decide that it is or isn‘t? Well, welcome to the nebulous world that is GDS.
However, in this environment, any mixed marriage (believer and unbeliever) would certainly be doomed to failure, for no unbelieving spouse could live up to a picture of God’s marriage with the church. The believing spouse, once in such a church, will have a green light to divorce the second the ink is dry on the membership application. But here is a problem as well: now you have a situation where the marriage is only valid if a certain standard is met. Isn’t that the antithesis of the gospel? Well, welcome to the contradictory world that is also GDS. But you say, “hey Paul, at least the other spouse has to be an unbeliever. If your both saved; and in such a church, your safe, right?” Yes you are, if you both are proponents of GDS. Remember, more traditional views of the relationship between justification and sanctification are deemed to be a false gospel in GDS circles.
The proof is in the pudding. I predict that divorce will soon become rampant in reformed churches, if it isn’t already. I know of a few that actually pride themselves in “building marriages that look like the gospel.” Unfortunately, this is often done through divorce and remarriage, with God’s supposed stamp of approval. Some of these churches, even small ones of 200 or 300 members, average a divorce and remarriage to the tune of one per year. I also predict that as the word gets out, spouses will begin to go to these churches with the ill intent of getting a church-sanctioned divorce. Stay tuned.
paul
Is Your Husband An Idiot?
During some counseling training I attended several years ago, the teacher quoted his wife in regard to marital attitudes. It was one of those quotes that really sticks with you: “Deep down inside, every wife thinks her husband is an idiot.” You may disagree, but let’s set that thought aside for now and examine the fact that the world definitely thinks your husband is an idiot. Our culture is saturated with *your husband is an idiot* messages. Almost every sitcom on TV presents the husband as an idiot. Almost every TV commercial presents the husband as an idiot as well. Point in case, the latest McDonald’s commercial; the husband jack-hammers the porch and almost all of the sidewalk when only the porch needed to be replaced. He does this to get the full rental value from the tool rental facility. Per the usual, the attractive, intelligent wife saves what’s left of the family sidewalks by enticing him away with a bag of food; the same way you would control any pet by holding up food in front of their faces. The commercial ends with the incredulous wife confiscating his paper cup because he is making noise with it as children often do. Another point in case, the latest Verizon commercial where the husband drops their children off two miles away from school to save money on gas. This presents the husband as an idiot as well as someone who cares more about money than his family, the latter being a constant theme on TV as well. Wait a minute, I see Jim Foxworthy calling in on my cell phone [uh uh, ok, ya, I got it]. Ok, I’m back. Are you entertained by the above examples rather than taking offence? Well then, you juuust might think your husband is an idiot.
It’s not just TV. I ordered some carryout at Bob Evans last night and saw a plaque for sale in their gift shop area with the following inscription: “I live with stress. I eat with him, sleep with him, and pick-up after him.” I perused the rest of the plaques to see if there was any counterpart humor to no avail; that doesn’t sell these days. As a matter of fact, it would probably offend people. Furthermore, I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard a wife denigrate her husband in public. Just this week, I heard a waitress refer to her husband as an idiot to the customers she was waiting on. Not a day later, I heard another wife referring to her family of two kids, and a husband, as “my three kids.” Do you make like references in regard to your husband? Well then, you juuuust might think your husband is an idiot.
This mentality is so saturated in our society that it is actually in vogue for men to denigrate themselves as a way to demonstrate their character traits to others. Point in case, the new Burger King commercial where Tony Stewart admits to [in jest] wearing women’s underwear. This denigration, as set against the masculine image of a race car driver is what sells today in our culture. As a man, do you want to impress the ladies? Well then, admit that you are an idiot or better yet, a pervert. Wow, see how humble you are?
Per the usual, the Church exposes it’s self to these infections because we just don’t get it; when the Holy Spirit says we are in a war, he’s not just saying that to hear himself talk. In warfare, the enemy always seeks to take out the leader first. Lest we forget, the husband is the leader of the family and his wife is the first line of defense second only to his personal relationship with God, which she can also greatly influence as well. Satan brought down the whole human race by appealing to Adam’s wife first. So you think your family is some kind of mighty fortress and you are smarter than Eve was? Oh really? Satan wasn’t only targeting Eve’s concept of God, read the account. God informed Adam of the Holy protocol before Eve was created. More than likely, most of her information about God came from Adam or at least the critical information that Satan was targeting. In other words, Satan was also attacking Adam‘s leadership role. I suggest to you that his tactics haven’t changed that much. Trust me on this one, the world definitely wants you to think your husband is an idiot. If you believe your husband is an idiot, that obviously undermines his ability to lead. If you think your husband is an idiot, your family is at risk. If you don’t think your husband is an idiot, but really you do and just don’t know it, your family is at greater risk because the deadly infection is covert. And also be aware of the fact that this worldly attitude toward husbands is alive and well in the churches, maybe even more so than the world. I hear constantly of women’s bible studies that denigrate husbands and their roles. One woman shared with me how another Christian woman shared the fact [while at a women’s gathering] that her husband selfishly woke her up at 2am wanting sex. In many churches , women are instructed to take leadership of the family if their husband isn’t “leading the way he should.” Who sets that standard? I once overheard a “I wish my husband was as spiritual as your husband” conversation between two women in a church hallway. I am also privy to women leaders who teach other women to set the household trash bags in front of the door their husband leaves by to go to work, as a way to confront him about his slothful ways. By the way, divorce statistics in the Church are no different from that of the world. Go figure.
But continuing on, back to the original question concerning the quote by the teacher’s wife. Do all women, deep down, believe their husbands are idiots? Probably. Why do I say that? Well, because of the original curse of sin. God said the following would be the consequences:
To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you [Geneses 3:16].
According to Hebrew scholars, the above text in the Hebrew words and grammar are the exact same as Genesis 4:3, which states the following in regard to Cane:
“If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.”
The key phrase is “Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” When God said to Eve that her “desire will be for her husband,” it means that her desire will be to rule over her husband in the same way sin desires to rule over us. You can see this clearly by contrast. This passage is clearly not saying that the curse will be a natural desire by the woman to follow her husband’s leadership. To the contrary, the woman’s natural tendency will be a desire to control her husband. In addition, the husbands tendency will be to rule his wife in the same way we must all rule sin in our life , as a tenacious despot. It’s good to rule sin that way in our lives, but not our wives!!! Notice God said to Adam “you will” as opposed to what he said to Cain “you must.” The embedded enemy between a man and his wife will be a desire by the wife to rule over the husband while his tendency will be to rule over his wife as an unloving tyrant. For example, a wife who is helping with the family finances comes home after a long day at work. As soon as she walks through the door, the husband, just back from enjoying a day of fishing, says the following in jubilant fashion: “Hey honey! What’s for dinner?” Ouch. As that cartoon cat often says, “I resemble that remark.” But in any case, that’s the warfare.
Of course you believe deep down that he is an idiot, that’s why you want to rule him. But you can’t let the world, or for that matter, church folks, throw gasoline on the fire [or the curse]. Its just a really bad idea. However, its interesting. Notice how the original failures of Adam and Eve duplicate the curse like a permanent brand from a hot iron. Adam failed to lead while Eve failed to respect her husband’s leadership. How different things would have been if Eve would have said “ You know, my husband was the one who originally got all of this from God; and besides that, since you are accusing God, let’s just get both of them in on this conversation.” Today, Satan ravages lives in the same way through isolated conversations without the proper people present. Satan knew the dynamics of headship that was involved. He knew that their eyes would not be opened till Adam ate. Therefore, he used Eve to bring Adam and the whole human race to ruin as Adam relinquished his leadership role to Eve. So, in like fashion, families will be ruined if this same pattern is followed.
So what to do? Well, for starters, stop loving your husband. Thaaat’s right. You see, every wife who professes her husband to be an idiot will also profess she loves him. Every time, guaranteed. Here is what the Apostle Paul said to do:
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband [Ephesians 5:33].
That’s the ticket. Men are to love their wives and not rule over them like a despot. They are to treat their wives as they would treat themselves. Women are to *respect* their husbands. This scriptural distinction is no accident. The one who once took your breath away is not the enemy, the curse is. Thinking your husband is an idiot is the antithesis of respect, obviously. But granted, no man is the leader he should be and many are less, so what to do? Peter says the following in 1Peter 3:1,2;
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
“Respectful” *conduct.* Did you catch that? Also, you can replace “without a word” and say “without trying to rule your husband.” By the way, if you have been trying to rule over your husband, how’s it workin for ya? Frustration that leads to disrespect will certainly follow. Look, the applications for respecting your husband could fill a book and there is certainly no room to address them here , but women need to avoid any form of denigration concerning their husbands and step into their high calling from Christ our Lord. Namely, the scriptures make it clear that no man sits at the city gate without a Proverbs 31 wife. The world and churchy women may not know that, but you and the Lord do. Those who receive less recognition here will receive it several fold in the Kingdom. Those who are faithful with few things will be put in charge of many things in God’s eternal Kingdom. I am convinced that the Proverbs 31 wife will rule vast kingdoms for God in eternity.
Is your husband an idiot? Its really beside the point. Choose the glorious things, not the broken cisterns of worldly attitudes that lead to ruin.
Book Report: Love And Respect; Dr. Eggerichs, Part One
The whole question of how to have a happy marriage has been jettisoned to the front of my consciousness lately. That is why the new book “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has drawn my attention and for two reasons: It immediately brings to mind Ephesians 5:33,
“Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must {see to it} that she respects her husband.”
…and it also looks to speak to both sides of the issue from both husband and wife. More on that later.
I was skepticle. As I purchased the book at the nearest christian book store, I was disappointed that I did not have to order it because as you know, christian book stores usually stock what moves now days, namely, pop-psychology and biblical theories born of the imaginations of men and women who drink too much coffee. However, I am concerned with where I see marriage counseling going in circles that are considered biblical focused by many.
I have finished the first two chapters and though I can tell, I will not agree with everything, the book starts out by delivering on two vital truths that have been lost in today’s biblical counseling, even in reformed circles. First, though the Bible has a myriad of marriage elements to be followed, it also gives very simple, but powerful themes to keep us on track. Dr. Eggerichs has chosen Ephesians 5:33. Without a doubt, many wheels can be added to this primary biblical concept, but this is a theme that can be employed by counselors and married couples to stay on track. This is very very very powerful. Name one marital dispute where love or respect does not come into play. Let me paint you a picture with this scenario of words properly fitted for the occasion:
Now honey, remember, we both agreed that love and respect would be the thrust of our marriage and that we would continually remind each other of this and both work to get better at it. That’s not where this conversation is going, we need to back-up and re-evaluate.
Most marriage counseling is information overload. Look, I have been a security technician for thirty years. I have a gazillion training certificates. Trust me, I could not go back and pass any of those end-of-course examinations. How would any couple take all of that information and consign it to a concise plan of action?, especially when you consider the distractions and busyness of our culture. It is the proverbial forest lost in all the trees. Dr. E himself mentions that at a time in church history when more books than ever have been written on marriage, the divorce rate among professing Christians is fifty percent. As I suspected from the title, Dr. Eggerichs gives marriage couples a narrow focus as a premise to build on. This alone makes the book worth it’s weight in gold.
Secondly, Dr. E hits it out of the park with this statement:
“Many books on marriage stress the need for husbands to love wives, but the unique feature about this book is the concept of wives showing unconditional respect toward husbands” [page 19].
Dr. E pre-qualifies the above statement with this simple but profound observation of Ephesians 5:33:
Christian spouses should not read this verse to say, ” Husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and wives, respect your husbands only if they have earned and deserve it.” As the old saying goes, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. in this verse, respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife [page18].
Let me not mince words here. There is much counseling today that goes something like this: “Get the husband straightened out first because he is the leader of the home and the rest will fall in place naturally.” “The wife will love the husband if he is God’s kind of husband.” “It’s always the husbands fault when there is no love in the home, he has not led by example.” Proponents of this approach actually quote 1 John 4:19 for their proof text:
“We love because he first loved us”
So, they reason, if husbands love their wives the way they should, wives will love them in the same way we love God because he loved us first. Beware of any theology that makes no distinction between vertical and horizontal realities. Such an approach disregards the plain sense of scripture and looks at scripture through a distorted prism. This approach has, and will continue to destroy many marriages by fostering an attitude that respect on the part of the wife is earned by the husband. Well, who is the judge of when he has done that sufficiently? Besides, Ephesians 5:33 would then lend the same to the husband in not loving the wife until he thought she respected him enough, as Dr. E aptly points out. Obviously, that scenario is going nowhere.
However, there is a third emphasis in the first two chapters by Dr. E that the title of the book did not hint at, but is of profound import. In working on and through Ephesians 5:33, both husband and wife must assume that regardless of any lack of love and respect, ultimate good will is always intended by the other. Hey, doesn’t 1Corintians 13:7 say love believes and hopes all things? I will discuss this further in my next play by play reports of this book as well as some disagreements. However, based on the first two chapters alone, I would almost consider it must reading for the reasons above alone.
paul
Book Report: Love And Respect; Dr Eggerichs, Part Two
As I said in part one, the monumental importance of this book is the re-discovery of Ephesians 5:33 and the fact that it will take team work on the part of both spouses to make any marriage work. Ephesians 5:33 breaks down the two primary responsibilities for the husband and wife. The husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect the husband. Dr. E thinks there are deep reasons for this distinction and he is right. In chapters one and two, he begins to build on this premise with the importance of communication and what I would call needs enablement. I am not big on “love languages” or any kind of hierarchy of needs philosophy, if indeed that is where Dr. E is going with this. It is too early to tell, but he has earned a complete hearing on the matter. For sure, he makes his case on how fallen communication disrupts the Ephesians 5:33 goal. Also, I wouldn’t buy the idea that the husband has to receive respect before he can love the wife, but let’s not focus on that. Suffice to say, if a husband knows he isn’t respected by the wife, it creates a huge obstacle to love and strips the husband of the big H, hope. Why even end up there? Marriage – hope + lack of belief in God’s word = divorce. Divorce is rarely the result of failure on the part of onespouse. Two sinners in the same house with one claiming complete innocence is suspect at best.
More on all of the above later. Going into chapter three, Dr. E addresses “unconditional respect” on the part of the wife and though I am not that far yet, I assume he addresses “unconditional love” on the part of the husband later in the chapter. Where he got the gaul to actually exergete that concept from Ephesians 5:33 is anybodies guess. Gee, could he really be a Dr.? But this is the plain sense of the text by virtue of the fact that Paul presents it as an imperative with no “if”, “ands”, or “but’s.” Paul says the husband is to love his wife and the wife is to respect the husband. End of conversation. But I find Dr. E’s insertion of the truthful but outragous “unconditional respect” concept a breath of fresh air in the junkyard of broken marriage models. Once you grasp this simple concept, you see it everywhere you go as you observe couples functioning in the malieu of life. As Dr. E testifies, wives in troubled marriages will quickly testify that they love their husbands, but when you ask them if they repect their husbands, you get what I call a “Scooby Doo” in the headlights look. It’s not only the look, it’s also the “Uhrrrrr?” One respected pastors wife and counselor put it this way: “Deep, deep down inside, every wife thinks her husband is an idiot.” Who can deny that TV panders to this view thru a mirriad of commercials and sitcoms. Our culture is awash with this mentality in just about every corner and churches are no exception. When was the last time you heard a sermon on “unconditional respect” on the part of the wife? In this chapter, Dr. E discusses the “why” in regard to wives not respecting their husbands and hopefully right thinking that leads to respect and the same in regard to husbands loving their wives. Stay tuned.
paul
Paul's Passing Thoughts 
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