Divorce: The Ultimate “I won’t Forgive You”
It’s hard to deny and difficult to understand, but God binds relationships through agreements. This was true at the very beginning. The following is an excerpt from another post:
“God created man for the purpose of being blessed by God and bearing his image. He was to have dominion over God’s creation. He was also created for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying. But God also put something between himself and man, a standard:
‘Then the LORD God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. The LORD God commanded the man, saying, ‘From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die'” (Genesis 2:15-17).
From the very beginning, the foundation of relationship between God and man was God setting the standard or structure and man following in obedience, or being faithful to God’s structure. When man did not hold to his part of the relationship, no words could adequately describe the disaster that followed. God is truly one who utilizes covenants in his relationships, and places a very high premium on them. When man failed, the foundation of the relationship was destroyed, and God chose to take action to restore the relationship. As one theologian said: “He bankrupted Heaven to do it.”
Very early and often in Scripture, God established the institution of Marriage to represent the covenant between him and his people. God chose Abraham to found a great nation of people to execute his restoration to the world. This nation, called Israel, would oversee the preservation of God’s word and his message to the world. From this nation would come the Messiah and Savior of the world. Unfortunately, Israel would fail as Adam did. Here is what God says concerning the above reality:
‘Thus says the Lord GOD to Jerusalem, ‘Your origin and your birth are from the land of the Canaanite, your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. As for your birth, on the day you were born your navel cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water for cleansing; you were not rubbed with salt or even wrapped in cloths. No eye looked with pity on you to do any of these things for you, to have compassion on you. Rather you were thrown out into the open field, for you were abhorred on the day you were born. When I passed by you and saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you {while you were} in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you {while you were} in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you numerous like plants of the field. Then you grew up, became tall and reached the age for fine ornaments; {your} breasts were formed and your hair had grown. Yet you were naked and bare. Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine, declares the Lord GOD. Then I bathed you with water, washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I also clothed you with embroidered cloth and put sandals of porpoise skin on your feet; and I wrapped you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your hands and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour, honey and oil; so you were exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty'” (Ezekiel 16:3-13).
The following verses in chapter 16 describe Israel’s horrific betrayal of God’s trust. Said another way by God, he instructs the prophet Hosea to literally take a prostitute for a wife as an in your face living illustration:
When the LORD first spoke through Hosea, the LORD said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of harlotry and {have} children of harlotry; for the land commits flagrant harlotry, forsaking the LORD” (Hosea 1:2,3).
However, here is where we begin to see that the culmination of the covenant did not, does not, and will not, depend on the performance of Israel. Hosea is instructed to go to the local auction and buy his wife back who had left him to resume her harlotry:
Then the LORD said to me, “Go again, love a woman {who} is loved by {her} husband, yet an adulteress, even as the LORD loves the son of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love raisin cakes.” So I bought her for myself for fifteen {shekels} of silver and a homer and a half of barley. Then I said to her, “You shall stay with me for many days. You shall not play the harlot, nor shall you have a man; so I will also be toward you” (Hosea 3:1-3).
It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? Hosea’s love for Gomer and God’s love for Israel didn’t depend on their performance. In the Abrahamic Covenant, God put Abraham in a deep sleep and consummated the covenant himself because it did not, could not, and would not depend on anybody but God [Genesis 15].
The concept of a marriage relationship between God and his people is replete throughout the Old Testament and int0 the New. Marriage then, at least in part, symbolizes God’s forgiveness, mercy and dedication to his covenant elect.
I have often wondered why God said he hated divorce (Malachi 16:2). I wonder, because he never specifically states why he hates divorce. However, I think we have a hint in Ephesians 5:25 where Paul instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. How did Christ love the Church? The same way he loved Israel. God’s devotion to Israel has never depended on their performance and the church is no different. Why would it be? God only brought in the Gentiles to make Israel jealous anyway (Romans 10:19, Romans 11:11). Marriage then, is symbolic of God’s forgiveness, his mercy, his covenants, and especially the gospel. God’s covenants exemplify his mercy and forgiveness.
If you know what the Scriptures teach about forgiveness, it’s not hard to understand why God hates divorce. Those who will not forgive, do not understand how much they have been forgiven. Those who will not forgive, do not see themselves in Gomer. Those who will not forgive, do not see themselves in Ezekiel 16:15-63. Christ made it clear, “For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little” (Luke 7:47). Mark 6:14 speaks of our responsibility to forgive “men” (mankind in general) in order to be forgiven by God ourselves. Luke 6:35 speaks of being kind to the wicked in order to be “sons of the Most High.” How much more towards the one whom which you share an intimate relationship ordained by God and symbolic of his gospel covenant? In the sermon on the mount, the subject of divorce among other subjects, is nestled squarely between anger and retaliation, and Christ makes it clear that just cause for divorce is very narrow indeed.
I am amazed at the flippant attitude in our culture concerning marriage, even among Christians. It’s not a party, it’s an emblem of God’s covenant faithfulness. The execution of the marriage covenant will either reject God or uphold his Glory. Divorce not only proclaims a refusal to forgive the covenant partner, it proclaims that fact publicly, and even sues for the spoils and restitution. A single divorce can produce an impressive list of things contrary to the sermon on the mount which primarily addresses relationships at many levels.
My uneducated grandmother understood all of this. She was married to my lost grandfather for 35 years. Suffice to say, she had the liberty to divorce him by biblical standards several fold. But he never wanted to loose her, that’s for sure. Well, finally, shortly before his death, he was saved. My grandmother never remarried, but God blessed her abundantly in the several years she lived afterword. By most standards in Christianity today, she would be labeled a fool, but it was never about her. Enter Brad Pitt, he is getting divorced again. Apparently, from what I am reading, another wife did not live up to his standards. Remember the woman at the well? Five husbands did not meet her standards and she gave up on marriage all together. Statistics indicate that first time marriages only have a 50/50 chance of survival whether Christian or secular. An astounding 80% of second marriages end in divorce, and the beat goes on.
At the core is an unwillingness to forgive. We understand why unbelievers can’t forgive, they have never been forgiven. What is perplexing is the wide spread acceptance among Christians of the ultimate and public statement of unforgiveness: Divorce.
paul
How To Poke God In The Eye
So whats up with “Supercessionism?” That’s the belief that God has no future for Israel, that Israel has been replaced by the Church and all the promises made to Israel transferred to the Church accordingly. The promises made to Israel for the future are massive in the Bible. The only possible way to make “Israel” the “Church” in all the hundreds of Old Testament promises to Israel is to approach the Scriptures with a particular method of interpretation that yields the result you prefer. Obviously, not a literal interpretation. The following is only one example:
“In the latter days you will understand this. At that time,” declares the LORD, “I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they shall be My people” (Jere 30:24-31:1).
Or how about this:
“Thus says the LORD, Who gives the sun for light by day And the fixed order of the moon and the stars for light by night, Who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar; The LORD of hosts is His name: If this fixed order departs From before Me,” declares the LORD, “Then the offspring of Israel also will cease From being a nation before Me forever.”Thus says the LORD, “If the heavens above can be measured And the foundations of the earth searched out below, Then I will also cast off all the offspring of Israel For all that they have done,” declares the LORD” (Jere 31:35-37).
Bottom line, if we can’t take that at face value, how do we even know that John 3:16 means what it says?
Furthermore, Supercessionism for the most part, comes out of Reformed Theology and to a large degree, New Covenant Theology. Both have a strong element of “election.” In the Bible, Isreal is called God’s “elect” ( Dt 7:6, Isa 45:4). They agree with everyone else being called elect in the Bible and use a literal interpretation accordingly, but when it comes to Israel, they implement the Redemptive Historical hermeneutic. This is plainly unacceptable. Also, a “new covenant” is only mentioned once in the Bible and is even set against the older covenant in the same context, but the “new covenant” is specifically promised to Israel!! GOOD GRIEF. By the way, God’s chosen people have always been Israel and will always be Israel. God told the woman at the well, “salvation is of the Jew’s.” The Church was initially a Jewish church and God had to do dramatic things to convince the Jews that he wanted the Gentiles in there (Acts Chapters 10 and 11). As a matter of fact, the baptism of the Spirit at Pentecost was a set-up to convince the Jews when the time was right (Acts 11:15-18). God only saved the Gentiles to make Israel jealous (Rom 11:13). The Gentiles are the ugly step children of salvation and it is high time reformed theologians get over it. For sobering warnings from God concerning wrong attitudes toward Israel, read Romans 11 for yourself.
I don’t know much about John Hagee, but I know he said this: “I believe all true Christians have a soft place in their hearts for Israel.” Why not? If we have God’s heart, certainly this should be true, especially if slighting the Jews is poking God in the eye. He (Hagee) also said this: “God told Abraham that he would bless those who blessed him and curse those who cursed him. If you go to a church where the leaders believe in Supercessionism, you do not go to a church that God is going to bless.” Yep, I agree. Denying what God has promised to the Jews is taking away from the word of God. In the book of Revelation, God says all of the curses in that book await those who do so. Would Supercessionism be in this category? I don’t know, but it’s kinda like what Ronald Reagan said about work: ” hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?”
paul
Case # 2008DR00927
“Truly, divorce must be the delight of hell and its many hordes.”
I didn’t want to just post another cliched article on Malachi 2:16 where God says “I hate divorce.” Have you ever thought of that?, God never says specifically why he hates divorce in any passage. There are no “I hate divorce because” verses. It therefore must be surmised from other related biblical topics. I was originally going to title this, “Why Does God Hate Divorce?” There is much biblical information regarding the answer, but my post is from a practical perspective. That’s where I am going to start. How practical is divorce where the rubber meets the road? And why would I start there?
Here is the reason: because I went to a class called, “Helping Children Succeed After Divorce.” It is a class that concerns “Post Parenting.” That is, effective parenting after divorce. Hmmm. Let me phrase it another way: “How to be a parent when you no longer live in the same house with the other parent.” It was required by the courts, case # 2008DR00927. The class was taught by an expert with plenty of experience in this kind of counseling. She does mediation for the courts when the attorneys have trouble working out all of the visitation details and so forth. According to the class, the relationship between the parents now needs to be strictly business and focus on what is best for the children. The class addresses the many difficulties in accomplishing this. Throughout the class, the instructor spoke of the “misery index,” or level in the midst of the process.
Things started to become apparent. First, the misery level of the initial affairs is almost unspeakable. The separation of property down to the keepsakes and that wedding ring that had been passed down from generation to generation. That house you built together, the vacation pictures. The preschool projects your proud children came running home with, revealing talents you never knew they had with the inscription, “mumy and dadi.” No wonder these are ugly affairs, you would almost have to make the other person your enemy to even be able to bear it. Then the children, deciding visitation rights and all of the agreed upon rules accordingly.
Then there is this: Divorces are almost always protracted affairs. The initial shock and awe is over with, but every month, when one spouse sits down to write the alimony check, the wounds are reopened. When job situations change for better or worse, both spouses are right back in the legal wrangling to determine new support amounts. If you are remarried and get a promotion at work, you and your spouse don’t discuss where to celebrate, you discuss how long it is going to take the X to file for increased support and how much you will be able to keep. Why celebrate at all? Furthermore, In the best of financial agreements, items fall through the cracks and the children are left to find out which parent is going to pay for the item. Then there is the whole remarriage thing and how the children handle that. This kind of stuff and a long, long list of more, goes on for years after the initial divorce. Truly, divorce must be the delight of hell and it’s many hordes.
Those who know me also know how much I enjoy asking questions. After listening to all of this damage control counseling, I asked this question: “In your experience as a post parenting counselor, have you ever seen one case where the misery index was less than the level of misery while the marriage was still intact?” Although her long pause and “deer in the headlights” look answered the question, Listen carefully to her actual answer: ” I often tell couples that divorce will not necessarily end the misery or even lesson it. Chances are, it will actually increase the misery level.” That is a profound admission. I then asked another question: “As you have said, being successful in post parenting is very difficult and requires trust, but how can there be trust when one spouse stood before witnesses and vowed to stay with that other person for ‘better or for worse’, and then didn’t do it? Secondly, if marriage counseling is easier and has fewer elements, and they were not successful there, how will they be successful in post parenting?” “For the children,” she said. Do it for the children. So then my final question: “So then, if we are really good at post parenting, we can send a message to our children that there can be a positive outcome to divorce, even though you said prior that the misery level is rarely less and usually more. If the misery level is lower in the marriage, why not rather be successful at marriage and send that message to the children instead?” She didn’t answer the question but her verbal discourse that followed was well spoken. In our society today, staying in a marriage and making it work for the sake of the children is unrealistic and archaic, but the call now by the professionals is to be successful post parents for the sake of the children. Ya, be good at that, 80% of all criminals in this country come from single parent homes.
What would the Bible say about all of the above pragmatism? well, in Psalm 15, the Holy Spirit names some attributes of the righteous. One of them is the following in verse 4: “….who keeps his oath even when it hurts”. Marriage is an oath for better or worse and sometimes it hurts to keep that oath. This is the mark of a righteous person. The Bible gives two reasons and two reasons only for divorce, fornication and abandonment by another spouse via physical departure: “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace (ICorinthians 7:15).” One reason biblical permission is so narrow is clear, even from a practical perspective, divorce doesn’t solve anything and rarely gives God glory in any respect.
But today’s Church is pregnant with leaders who walk by sight and not by faith. I mean, look at all the “real life” cases. “Look at what a jerk that guy is, and she is such a sweet person.” Surely Paul the apostle did not mean to limit divorce to a literal physical departure! “I know, Paul was talking about a ‘departure in the persons heart’, ya, ya that’s it, it all makes sense now!” Besides, this approach often covers for the inability of leaders to take the word of God and resolve life issues. It also cuts down on all of those pesky phone calls in the middle of the night. The divorce rate in the Church is now the same as the world, and there is a reason for that. With a new wave of mysticism comes a disdain for a literal interpretation of the Bible and it’s call to duty and obedience, robbing Christians of the joy that follows.
My situation is merely case # 2008DR00927 to the county of Montgomery, it might as well be the same in the Church. No big deal. Sure, we know divorce is a public proclamation that states: “I don’t forgive you”, but Paul also said “we are called to peace,” many argue, as if peace is defined by the following issues generated by divorce and well stated by a divorce information website (see following my conclusion). Let me suggest that Paul was saying God has called us to peace as a general principle, so we shouldn’t make decisions that create turmoil when the outcome is uncertain, like say, trying to force an unbelieving spouse to stay in the marriage when they have clearly set their mind on leaving. And by the way, though the following list claims to be comprehensive, it is not even close. It does not address the broken family relationships on both sides including in-laws and all the other relatives, and many other issues.
Let me repeat this from one of my above paragraphs in closing : ” One reason biblical permission is so narrow is clear; even from a practical perspective, divorce doesn’t solve anything and rarely gives God glory in any respect.”
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COMPREHENSIVE MARITAL SETTLEMENT ISSUES
I. PREAMBLE
A. Identification of Parties to AgreementB. Date and Place of Marriage
C. Separation Date
D. Status of Court Filings
E. Identification of Children
F. Intentions in Coming to Agreement
G. Acknowledgment of Current Employment/Income Status II. PARENTING A. Decision Making (Legal Custody) and Primary Residence B. Weekly Residential Schedule C. Holiday and Vacation Periods (overall intention)
D. Substitute Child Care Providers E. Transportation F. Prompt Exercise of Time with Child G. Right to Communicate with Child H. Fostering Affection and Respect I. Access to Information from Schools, etc. J. Parental Cooperation K. Parental Communication L. Safety and Security M. Future Conflict Resolution Process N. Future Review of Parenting Arrangements
P. Responsibility for Extracurricular Activities, Sports Equipment, Lessons, Clothes Q. Education and Other Major Expenses for Children R. Medical/Dental Insurance S. Uninsured Medical Expenses T. Life Insurance (to protect support responsibility)
U. Dependent Deduction V. Gifts to Children W. Agreement to Make a Will
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God’s love and purpose in failure: Luke 22:31-34
“This is the love of Christ, he meets us where we are in weakness with wisdom and extended hand to lead us out no matter how pathetic that picture is, and our failures and lack of faith paint that picture.”
“Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded {permission} to sift you like wheat; but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” But he said to Him, “Lord, with You I am ready to go both to prison and to death!” And He said, “I say to you, Peter, the rooster will not crow today until you have denied three times that you know Me.” Luke 22:31-34.
Christ speaks directly to Peter (formally Simon) and calls his name twice to make sure he had his attention. He knew Peter was still intoxicated by verse 29 where Christ tells the apostles that they will rule with him in the kingdom. Peter had no lack of appetite for such possibilities. Christ then informs Peter of an event at the throne in Heaven. When Satan and his hordes where at God’s thrown for their periodic mandatory parole meeting with God, Satan requested permission to destroy Peter’s faith. We have a clear-cut picture of this in the book of Job:
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came among them. The LORD said to Satan, “From where do you come?” Then Satan answered the LORD and said, “From roaming about on the earth and walking around on it.” The LORD said to Satan, “Have you considered My servant Job? For there is no one like him on the earth, a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil.” Then Satan answered the LORD, “Does Job fear God for nothing? “Have You not made a hedge about him and his house and all that he has, on every side? You have blessed the work of his hands, and his possessions have increased in the land. “But put forth Your hand now and touch all that he has; he will surely curse You to Your face” ( Job 1:6-11).
Satan is the accuser of the brethren (Rev 12:10). Here he tells God that Job will deny Him if God lets him attack everything Satan thought Job was living for. Satan is asking permission to sift Job like wheat the way they use to separate the chaff from wheat on the threshing floors. In other words, separate Job from his faith. Christ informs Peter that Satan has requested permission to use the situation surrounding his crucifixion to destroy Peters faith. That’s why Christ prays that his faith will not fail. This prayer is according to God’s will because Christ already promises Peter will rule with him in the kingdom; a good lesson for us when we pray, to pray according to God’s will. The one thing we should all admire about Peter was his deep desire and zeal to honor Christ and love him. He thought he was ready; Christ knew he wasn’t and also knew the plan was in place to fix that. Christ informs Peter that his failure would be devastating and then reveals one of the purposes. When this trial was done doing its work, and he “turned again”, he was to “strengthen [his] your brothers.” Always remember this about trials and failures: God wants to use them to teach us so we can strengthen others. Hear this and hear it well, with all of the talk about knowing God’s will, here is something that is clear from the scriptures; when you have overcome a trial or failure in your life, you have your assignment from God.
Not many failures eclipse this one by Peter. He denied God three times, even after being warned that he would. Also, Christ said to Peter and the others just prior to being taken into custody: “and said to them, ‘Why are you sleeping? Get up and pray that you may not enter into temptation'” (Luke 22:46). Peter’s experience and what he learned through this experience may have colored this passage that he wrote at a later time, “Be of sober {spirit,} be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (IPeter5:8). Peter was not alert in this situation. He failed to remember the specific warning of Christ and obviously failed to pray per the Lord’s instruction. Also, Peter’s plan to be with Christ in that hour was not well thought out and led him into an environment fraught with the possibility of compromise. Also interesting is this: the part Christ assumed, was to pray that Peter would not be separated from the faith. Peter’s part was to pray that he wouldn’t fall into temptation. We colabour with Christ always, knowing however, that he is the keeper of our faith (Phil. 1:6).
But now we come to this reality; that for the Christian, when we fail, the revealing of God’s love will follow. The greater the failure and personal devastation, the clearer we see God’s love. Peter’s spirit was willing but his flesh was weak ( Matthew 26:41 Mark 14:38), but God’s love revealed in failure will motivate us and make us stronger. Peter was not the only one that went AWOL after the resurrection. When Christ comes back in person, he begins to personally restore and uplift the faith of the disciples and other followers. Regardless of what Jesus preached over and over and over again about his death, burial and resurrection while he was with them, here was the mentality among the disciples as illustrated by this discourse with Jesus on the road to Emmaus:
“But we were hoping that it was He who was going to redeem Israel. Indeed, besides all this, it is the third day since these things happened. “But also some women among us amazed us. When they were at the tomb early in the morning, and did not find His body, they came, saying that they had also seen a vision of angels who said that He was alive. “Some of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just exactly as the women also had said; but Him they did not see” (luke 24:21-24).
1. Jesus did not do what they expected him to do.
2. Jesus said he would rise from the dead, but it’s been three day’s and no one has seen him.
3. Some angels said he was alive, but when some disciples went to the tomb, he wasn’t there.
Yep, that would be us if we were there, trust me. This is the love of Christ, he meets us where we are in weakness with wisdom and extended hand to lead us out no matter how pathetic that picture is, and our failures and lack of faith paint that picture. His goal is to draw us closer to himself through his word:
“And He said to them, “O foolish men and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken!” (Luke 24:25).
In addition to the encounter with the disciples on the road to Emmaus, Jesus ministers to more doubting followers as recorded in Luke 24:36-53. The way he counsels them to vanquish doubt is a study in itself. But in conclusion, we come full circle to Peter in John 21. The Lord entices him to profess his love for him three times, once for each time he denied him and then reveals that in the end, Peter would not deny him the second time:
When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep. Truly, truly, I say to you, when you were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress you and carry you where you do not want to go.” (This he said to show by what kind of death he was to glorify God.) And after saying this he said to him, “Follow me” (John 21:15-19).
For sure, at times, Christ rebukes us as he initially did to the two on the road to Emmaus. But the one who loves us and is greater than our failures never beats us down, but uses our failures to show his love for us and make us better for the kingdom. Peter, the rock that Christ built the church on, was not chosen because of his spiritual prowess. Even after everything Peter had learned, The Apostle Paul had to publicly rebuke him for downright silly behavior( Galations 2:11-14). If Christ used Peter in such a mighty way, he will also use you. Learn from your failures and glorify God because of his great Love. But also remember what else Christ seeks in His working with us; as he said to Peter, “Follow me.”
paul
Book Report: Love And Respect; Dr. Eggerichs, Part One
The whole question of how to have a happy marriage has been jettisoned to the front of my consciousness lately. That is why the new book “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has drawn my attention and for two reasons: It immediately brings to mind Ephesians 5:33,
“Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must {see to it} that she respects her husband.”
…and it also looks to speak to both sides of the issue from both husband and wife. More on that later.
I was skepticle. As I purchased the book at the nearest christian book store, I was disappointed that I did not have to order it because as you know, christian book stores usually stock what moves now days, namely, pop-psychology and biblical theories born of the imaginations of men and women who drink too much coffee. However, I am concerned with where I see marriage counseling going in circles that are considered biblical focused by many.
I have finished the first two chapters and though I can tell, I will not agree with everything, the book starts out by delivering on two vital truths that have been lost in today’s biblical counseling, even in reformed circles. First, though the Bible has a myriad of marriage elements to be followed, it also gives very simple, but powerful themes to keep us on track. Dr. Eggerichs has chosen Ephesians 5:33. Without a doubt, many wheels can be added to this primary biblical concept, but this is a theme that can be employed by counselors and married couples to stay on track. This is very very very powerful. Name one marital dispute where love or respect does not come into play. Let me paint you a picture with this scenario of words properly fitted for the occasion:
Now honey, remember, we both agreed that love and respect would be the thrust of our marriage and that we would continually remind each other of this and both work to get better at it. That’s not where this conversation is going, we need to back-up and re-evaluate.
Most marriage counseling is information overload. Look, I have been a security technician for thirty years. I have a gazillion training certificates. Trust me, I could not go back and pass any of those end-of-course examinations. How would any couple take all of that information and consign it to a concise plan of action?, especially when you consider the distractions and busyness of our culture. It is the proverbial forest lost in all the trees. Dr. E himself mentions that at a time in church history when more books than ever have been written on marriage, the divorce rate among professing Christians is fifty percent. As I suspected from the title, Dr. Eggerichs gives marriage couples a narrow focus as a premise to build on. This alone makes the book worth it’s weight in gold.
Secondly, Dr. E hits it out of the park with this statement:
“Many books on marriage stress the need for husbands to love wives, but the unique feature about this book is the concept of wives showing unconditional respect toward husbands” [page 19].
Dr. E pre-qualifies the above statement with this simple but profound observation of Ephesians 5:33:
Christian spouses should not read this verse to say, ” Husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and wives, respect your husbands only if they have earned and deserve it.” As the old saying goes, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. in this verse, respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife [page18].
Let me not mince words here. There is much counseling today that goes something like this: “Get the husband straightened out first because he is the leader of the home and the rest will fall in place naturally.” “The wife will love the husband if he is God’s kind of husband.” “It’s always the husbands fault when there is no love in the home, he has not led by example.” Proponents of this approach actually quote 1 John 4:19 for their proof text:
“We love because he first loved us”
So, they reason, if husbands love their wives the way they should, wives will love them in the same way we love God because he loved us first. Beware of any theology that makes no distinction between vertical and horizontal realities. Such an approach disregards the plain sense of scripture and looks at scripture through a distorted prism. This approach has, and will continue to destroy many marriages by fostering an attitude that respect on the part of the wife is earned by the husband. Well, who is the judge of when he has done that sufficiently? Besides, Ephesians 5:33 would then lend the same to the husband in not loving the wife until he thought she respected him enough, as Dr. E aptly points out. Obviously, that scenario is going nowhere.
However, there is a third emphasis in the first two chapters by Dr. E that the title of the book did not hint at, but is of profound import. In working on and through Ephesians 5:33, both husband and wife must assume that regardless of any lack of love and respect, ultimate good will is always intended by the other. Hey, doesn’t 1Corintians 13:7 say love believes and hopes all things? I will discuss this further in my next play by play reports of this book as well as some disagreements. However, based on the first two chapters alone, I would almost consider it must reading for the reasons above alone.
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Paul's Passing Thoughts 
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