Paul's Passing Thoughts

“Truly, divorce must be the delight of hell and its many hordes.”

I didn’t want  to just post another cliched article on Malachi 2:16 where God says “I hate divorce.” Have you ever thought of that?, God never says specifically why he hates divorce in any passage. There are no “I hate divorce because” verses. It therefore must be surmised from other related biblical topics. I was originally going to title this, “Why Does God Hate Divorce?” There is much biblical information regarding the answer, but my post is from a practical perspective. That’s where I am going to start. How practical is divorce where the rubber meets the road? And why would I start there?

Here is the reason: because I went to a class called, “Helping Children Succeed After Divorce.”  It is a class that concerns “Post Parenting.”  That is, effective parenting after divorce. Hmmm. Let me phrase it another way: “How to be a parent when you no longer live in the same house with the other parent.” It was required by the courts, case # 2008DR00927.  The class was taught by an expert with plenty of experience in this kind of counseling. She does mediation for the courts when the attorneys have trouble working out all of the visitation details and so forth. According to the class, the relationship between the parents now needs to be strictly business and focus on what is best for the children. The class addresses the many difficulties in accomplishing this. Throughout the class, the instructor spoke of the “misery index,” or level in the midst of the process.

Things started to become apparent. First, the misery level of the initial affairs is almost unspeakable. The separation of property down to the keepsakes and that wedding ring that had been passed down from generation to generation. That house  you built together, the vacation pictures. The preschool projects your proud children came running home with, revealing talents you never knew they had with the inscription, “mumy and dadi.” No wonder these are ugly affairs, you would almost have to make the other person your enemy to even be able to bear it. Then the children, deciding visitation rights and all of the agreed upon rules accordingly.

Then there is this: Divorces are almost always protracted affairs. The initial shock and awe  is over with, but every month, when one spouse sits down to write the alimony check, the wounds are reopened. When job situations change for better or worse, both spouses are right back in the legal wrangling to determine new support amounts. If you are remarried and get a promotion at work, you and your spouse don’t discuss where to celebrate, you discuss how long it is going to take the X to file for increased support and how much you will be able to keep. Why celebrate at all? Furthermore,  In the best of financial agreements, items fall through the cracks and the children are left to find out which parent is going to pay for the item. Then there is the whole remarriage thing and how the children handle that. This kind of stuff and a long, long list of more, goes on for years after the initial divorce. Truly, divorce must be the delight of hell and it’s many hordes.

Those who know me  also know how much I enjoy asking questions. After listening to all of this damage control counseling, I asked this question: “In your experience as a post parenting counselor, have you ever seen one case where the misery index was less than the level of misery while the marriage was still intact?” Although her long pause and “deer in the headlights” look answered the question,  Listen carefully to her actual answer: ” I often tell couples that divorce will not necessarily end the misery or even lesson it. Chances are, it will actually increase the misery level.” That is a profound admission. I then asked another question: “As you have said, being successful in post parenting is very difficult and requires trust, but how can there be trust when one spouse stood before witnesses and vowed to stay with that other person for ‘better or for worse’, and then didn’t do it?  Secondly, if marriage counseling is easier and has fewer elements, and they were not successful there, how will they be successful in post parenting?”  “For the children,” she said. Do it for the children. So then my final question: “So then, if we are really good at post parenting, we can send a message to our children that there can be a positive outcome to divorce, even though you said prior that the misery level is rarely less and usually more. If the misery level is lower in the marriage, why not rather be successful at marriage and send that message to the children instead?” She didn’t answer the question but her verbal  discourse that followed was well spoken. In our society today, staying in a marriage and making it work for the sake of the children is unrealistic and archaic, but the call now by the professionals is to be successful post parents for the sake of the children. Ya, be good at that, 80% of all criminals in this country come from single parent homes.

What would the Bible say about all of the above pragmatism? well, in Psalm 15, the Holy Spirit names  some attributes of the righteous. One of them is the following in verse 4: “….who keeps his oath even when it hurts”. Marriage is an oath for better or worse and sometimes it hurts to keep that oath. This is the mark of a righteous person. The Bible gives two reasons and two reasons only for divorce,  fornication  and abandonment by another spouse via physical departure: “But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so.  A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace (ICorinthians 7:15).”  One reason biblical permission is so narrow is clear, even from a practical perspective, divorce doesn’t solve anything and rarely gives God glory in any respect.

But today’s Church is pregnant with leaders who walk by sight and not by faith. I mean, look at all the “real life” cases. “Look at what a jerk that guy is, and she is such a sweet person.” Surely Paul the apostle did not mean to limit divorce to a literal physical departure! “I know, Paul was talking about a ‘departure in the persons heart’, ya, ya that’s it, it all makes sense now!” Besides, this approach often covers for the inability of leaders to take the word of God and resolve life issues. It also cuts down on all of those pesky phone calls in the middle of the night. The divorce rate in the Church is now the same as the world, and there is a reason for that. With a new wave of mysticism comes a disdain for a literal interpretation of the Bible and it’s call to duty and obedience, robbing Christians of the joy that follows.

My situation is merely case # 2008DR00927 to the county of Montgomery, it might as well be the same in the Church. No big deal. Sure, we know divorce is a public proclamation that states: “I don’t forgive you”, but Paul also said “we are called to peace,” many argue, as if peace is defined by the following issues generated by divorce and well stated by a divorce information website (see following my conclusion). Let me suggest that Paul was saying God has called us to peace as a general principle, so we shouldn’t make decisions that create turmoil when the outcome is uncertain, like say, trying to force an unbelieving spouse to stay in the marriage when they have clearly set their mind  on leaving.  And by the way, though the following list claims to be comprehensive, it is not even close.  It does not address the broken family relationships on both sides including in-laws and all the other relatives, and many other issues.

Let me repeat this from one of my above paragraphs in closing : ” One reason biblical permission is so narrow is clear; even from a practical perspective, divorce doesn’t solve anything and rarely gives God glory in any respect.”